


i want the love on your wrist (oh, give me the heart on your neck)

by ASOCIAL CLIMBER (maxxxined)



Category: I Don't Know How But They Found Me (Band)
Genre: Body Image, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Short & Sweet, Weight Issues, reference of an eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:53:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26914702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxxxined/pseuds/ASOCIAL%20CLIMBER
Summary: Ryan isn’t feeling well.Dallon worries for him, until one day, the truth comes out.And all Dallon wants is for Ryan to see how amazing he is.
Relationships: Ryan Seaman/Dallon Weekes
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	i want the love on your wrist (oh, give me the heart on your neck)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Endy_Merimo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Endy_Merimo/gifts).



> big tw for fatphobia, mentions of unhealthy dieting, reference to an eating disorder and body dysmorphia
> 
> a happy birthday gift for endy :) don’t worry sunshine, there’s a happy ending <3

Something was wrong with Ryan.

It started small at first, tiny signs that Dallon caught out of the corner of his eye.

Staring in the mirror for a few seconds too long. Flattening his clothes down. Hunched over his drum set like he didn’t want anyone to see him. Dallon had known Ryan for long enough to notice these short snippets of self doubt, seconds that passed by quickly, yet lingered in Dallon’s mind for days after they’d disappeared.

They’d fade away into the corner of his mind when Dallon was preoccupied, but they always cane rushing back in the quiet moments of their lives. Especially when Dallon was laying next to Ryan, listening to him breathe and staring at the oversized shirt Ryan had put on before bed.

He never used to wear shirts to bed.

It only made Dallon’s heart writhe, turning on his side and letting his arm go numb under the weight of his torso. He studied the creases on Ryan’s back, reaching out to smooth them down and dragging his fingertips across Ryan’s shirt.

He missed feeling the skin of Ryan’s back.

Dallon couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt Ryan’s skin against his own, as warm as sunlit honey and the same colour in the summer. In fact, it had been summer when they last made love, skin sweaty and slick from the day before, groans lost in the warmth of each other’s mouths.

Now it was winter, and the weather outside clawed at their bedroom window as Dallon tried to rest his mind. But he couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan, how he’d gaze at his phone for hours on end with a sour look on his face. Whenever asked what he was looking at, Ryan’s head would snap up like it was on an elastic band, panic quickly flashing through his eyes.

“Nothing, nothing...” Ryan would trail off, biting his lip and migrating to some other part of the house/ venue/ change room. Dallon’s heart would withstand another blow, but he didn’t want to push.

Ryan would tell him when he was ready, whatever the problem might be. And Dallon would accept him with open arms, no matter what it was. But Dallon had a feeling he knew exactly why Ryan was growing so distant.

It was like a bubble that grew with each instance, ready to burst any day. At meals, Ryan only pushed around his food, glaring down at his plate like it had insulted him. Dallon was sick of hearing the clink of his fork against the plate, dragging it around and sorting his food into piles so it would look like he’d eaten something when he hadn’t.

Dallon noticed how much more frequently Ryan was going to the gym. He noticed the deflated look in his eyes when he’d come home, or the fact that he always went to the bathroom as soon as he walked in the door.

Dallon heard the electronic beep of the scale. But he didn’t want to push. He couldn’t push.

What if he pushed too hard, and Ryan got defensive? Then there would be no way for Dallon to help him, and that was the last thing he wanted.

He just wanted Ryan to be happy again. To be whole and to be fully there, instead of staring at his phone or the mirror or the folds in his shirt.

All Ryan did was stare with that look on his face, the one where his eyes turned glassy and his mouth went tight. It held a hint of disappointment, with something else behind it. Something that made Dallon’s stomach churn when he thought about how much he loved Ryan in comparison to how much Ryan loved himself.

The bubble was growing bigger, clear, soapy walls expanding with every small thing Ryan did. Threw away his favourite jeans. Skipped meals. Stared at himself in the mirror.

Phone, gym, scale, repeat. Dallon’s chest tightened whenever he’d hear that tiny beep from the other room, than the sound of running water.

Dallon knew what Ryan was using that water to cover up, the soft cries that he hid from Dallon. But Dallon knew, and it was killing him to just stand around.

He needed to do something, but what? Was it really worth it just waiting around for Ryan to burst the bubble while he silently tortured himself?

What type of partner was Dallon if he couldn’t comfort his boyfriend when he needed him most?

Then, the bubble popped.

It had been an early night in bed. Dallon and Ryan had a show the next day, which meant climbing into bed after dinner and relaxing until their minds would drift off.

Dallon was reading a magazine, feet crossed on the bed, legs stretched out in front of him. Ryan was standing in the bathroom doorway, staring at his phone and nervously playing with his lower lip, just like he did every time something bad happened. Yet Dallon only lent him a glance and went back to reading his magazine, listening to the shuffle of Ryan’s feet as he made his way over to the bed, still gazing down at his phone.

“Dallon...” Ryan’s voice was quiet and tiny, almost as if he was trying to hide it from Dallon. It didn’t matter now; Ryan had already hid everything from Dallon, but even by his best attempts, Dallon still knew what was going on. He just needed Ryan to be ready.

“Mm?” Dallon hummed, flicking his eyes up from the glossy print of the magazine and meeting Ryan’s fidgety ones. Ryan’s eyes zipped around the room, landing on everything except for Dallon’s furrowed brow, distress gathering in his chest at the way Ryan was acting.

It wasn’t like him at all, but then again, Ryan hadn’t been acting like himself for a long time now. Dallon couldn’t recall the first time he heard that little beep, or the first time the tap gushed with water and Ryan’s low sobs filtered through the apartment, obviously trying to hide them.

That’s all Ryan did nowadays, was hide himself from Dallon.

“Am... Am I ugly?” Ryan was purposely not meeting Dallon’s stare, eyes shimmering with unshed tears, biting his lip violently to stop himself from crying. The sight made Dallon’s body go cold, especially with the words that accompanied it, like harsh jabs in the tender part of his soul.

“Oh Ryan...” Dallon set the magazine aside, reaching out a hand to pull Ryan onto the bed. His body was trembling now, shaking from the cries that he’d swallowed and silently breaking down inside. Ryan was imploding on himself, taking all his misery and shoving it back into where it came from instead of letting it out. It was taking a toll on his body, from the ashen colour of his cheeks to the way his legs quivered when he pushed himself up onto the bed.

“Of course not, you’re beautiful. Who’s saying this to you?” Dallon gingerly took Ryan onto his lap, pushing his blue hair out of his glassy eyes and gently cupping his chin. The gesture was enough to make Ryan cry full on, letting go of the barricade against his tears and sobbing out loud, sitting half on Dallon’s legs and half on the bed.

“Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m sorry...” Dallon bit his lip in an attempt to stop himself too, the minor chords of his heart struck violently by Ryan’s sudden reaction. But Ryan couldn’t get the words out, tears streaming down his cheeks as his body shook, hair falling right back into his eyes.

“It’s- It’s-“ Ryan’s breaths stuttered as he inhaled, hiccuping and trying to catch himself before he started to cry again. It was hard, holding onto all that misery for so long with nowhere to put it, and now, it was dripping down his face. “It’s n-not you- it’s j-just people online- on- on twitter-“

He was stammering through his sentence, breaths shallow as more tears slid down his cheeks. Dallon reached out and wiped them away with the sleeve of his shirt, heart shattering at Ryan’s words before its empty spot was replaced with fury.

Who had said that to Ryan? And why would they say that— if anything, Ryan was as beautiful as ever in Dallon’s eyes, and he was frustrated no one else could see that.

Whoever it was was going to pay for this. Not tonight, no, Dallon needed to be with Ryan. But he’d make them pay eventually.

“What does twitter know about beauty?” Dallon tried to play it off as lighthearted, but Ryan only doubled down and started sobbing again, gripping onto Dallon’s hand so hard he was going to leave claw marks.

“They- they were talking about the weight I’ve gained, and- and they said I shouldn’t be in the band anymore if- if I can’t take care of myself, but I’m trying Dallon, I- I promise...” Ryan sniffled, wiping away his tears and avoiding Dallon’s eyes again. Only then did Dallon notice the hoodie he was wearing, pulled loose around the front and tight around the back.

Oh.

Ryan took Dallon’s stunned silence as an answer and continued talking. “I’m dieting and I’m going to the gym b-but none of it works, it’s not working Dallon, and I’m never gonna lose weight and- and I was worried you were going to kick me out, because I don’t look good anymore.”

“Honey... oh, Ryan.” Dallon didn’t know what to say, so he settled on pulling Ryan onto his lap and kissing his nose, pulling away to meet his tearful gaze. Crystalline tears filled his eyes again as Dallon stroked his back gently, heart aching terribly in his chest.

“First off, I would never ever kick you out of the band because of how you look. That’s shallow and gross, and you’ll always be gorgeous to me.” Dallon stared deeply into Ryan’s eyes, making sure he heard every bit of what he had to say. “Secondly, who said putting on a few pounds makes you ugly? If anything, it’s just more of you for me to love, and I could never refuse an offer like that.”

He could see the gears churning behind Ryan’s eyes, thinking about the words Dallon was saying. Dallon could only hope his words were making a difference— he was speaking nothing but the truth.

Ryan was gorgeous, and it struck Dallon’s heart to hear him speak so horribly about himself. Dallon didn’t care one bit about the few extra pounds on Ryan’s tummy, but he cared about Ryan’s self esteem more than words could describe.

Ever since starting iDKHOW, Ryan was his everything. And he wasn’t going to let idiotic strangers online tell his boyfriend if he was attractive or not, let alone them harassing Ryan to the point where he stopped eating.

Ryan’s face broke out in tears again, but they were quieter now, short little snivels that made his body tremble as he covered his face with his hands.

“‘m not... I’m- I’m big now, I- I’m fat and ugly...” Ryan cried, sobbing into Dallon’s chest when he pulled him close and held his shaking body to him. Dallon hoped Ryan didn’t hear the frantic pounding of his heart, enraged at the fact that people had told Ryan this. More so, Dallon couldn’t believe he’d been so blind to what was going on online; he had no idea that Ryan was seeing that type of abuse.

Was it on the daily? How could Dallon be so oblivious to what was unfolding right under his nose, especially when he lived with Ryan?

None of that mattered right now. Later, Dallon could berate himself all he wanted for not stepping in earlier. But tonight, all that mattered was making Ryan feel precious and loved and beautiful, and trying to erase the vile words he’d read in the past months.

“Oh Ryan... you’re not ugly at all. You’re bigger now, but that doesn’t make you any less beautiful.” Dallon whispered, stroking Ryan’s hair as Ryan continued to weep into Dallon’s chest. “I’m so lucky I get to be with someone so handsome and so endlessly talented, I think about it everyday. Especially when I get to wake up to the man who means the world to me, and I get to tell him how much I love him and I get to see his adorable smile...”

A small smile tugged at Dallon’s lips as Ryan’s cries slowed, body going limp in his gentle touch. He was beyond satisfied his praise was working, and he was ecstatic that Ryan was taking his words to heart. Dallon had never spoken something more sincere, moving down to stroke Ryan’s back, rubbing circles into the soft fabric of his hoodie.

Ryan was so cute in a hoodie, and so hot in his leather jacket, Dallon wished he could see himself through his eyes. Especially while playing a concert, where all of Ryan’s talent was shared with the world, and for a few minutes, they too could see just how amazing Ryan was.

All Dallon wanted was for Ryan to see that too.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me Ryan, and I can’t imagine anyone thinking any different about you. You’re so talented it’s unfair, I mean- I don’t know anyone else who can play the bass and the drums at the same time, let alone make it look like it’s easy.” Dallon bent down to kiss Ryan’s forehead, chest loosening at the slow breaths Ryan was drawing in. He heard Dallon, and he knew the words were coming directly from his heart. That was all Dallon needed, for Ryan to know how perfect he was.

“Nobody knows you like I do, and nobody else gets to see your body. What do they know about you? You’re healthy and you’re safe, and that’s all that matters, not what some kid on Twitter thinks about the way you look.” Dallon pulled away to stare into Ryan’s eyes, tears dried on Dallon’s shirt. But he couldn’t care less about the damp spot on his chest where Ryan had laid his head; Dallon was too busy smiling gently at Ryan’s tiny attempt at a smile, a smile soiled with tears that he wiped away.

“...Do you promise?” Ryan laughed at the end, but it was hollow of all the happiness that usually came with Ryan’s laughter. This laugh was empty, one with nothing but doubt behind it.

Dallon didn’t like it when Ryan’s laughs were empty. Usually his laughter was bright and bubbly, whether it be tiny giggles in between songs during practice sessions, or the type of laughter that made his body seize until Ryan could barely breathe anymore.

He hadn’t seen that type of laughter in ages, and Dallon’s plan was to get that brightness back in his voice by the end of the night. Tonight was all about Ryan, and Dallon was more than happy to take care of him, especially like this.

“I promise.” Dallon said firmly, sliding his palm into Ryan’s and squeezing his hand. Ryan squeezed back in return, the remnants of his smile still lingering on his lips, like the first few seconds of sunshine after a storm.

Neither of them said it, but their embrace spoke the exact words they were both thinking, going back and forth squeezing each other’s hand in confirmation.

I love you.

I love you too.

“I’m really hungry Dallon...” Ryan mumbled, resting his head on Dallon’s shoulder. A cold front spread throughout Dallon’s body at the words, slipping his hand under Ryan’s hoodie to rub the warm skin on his back. There were bumps and pimples and freckles, but Ryan was just as attractive with them, if not more.

They were the things that made Ryan a human being, not a plastic doll someone had just pulled out of a box. All the evidence of his life laid on his skin in the forms of beauty marks and folds and little white scars, but none of them were ugly.

They were human. They made Ryan’s body legible, like a book that had been read over so many times no one paid attention to the small details anymore. But Dallon was here, tracing the dots and bumps like his fingers were magnifying glasses, feeling Ryan’s back bones shift under his hand as Ryan wrapped his arms around Dallon.

And Dallon knew he was made to take care of the book when it would suffer through one too many bad reviews and let its pages wilt.

“You didn’t eat any dinner, did you...?” Dallon said softly, afraid of pressing too hard and bursting the bubble again. He had just mended its glass walls, but they were fragile, shining in Ryan’s eyes as he shook his head slowly. Dallon hated the fact that Ryan was still trying to hide it, even after the truth was laid out in the open.

Ryan shouldn’t have to hide anything from Dallon ever again.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do tonight,” Dallon spoke gently, tucking Ryan’s hair behind his ears as he stared at Dallon with a blank type of emotion. “I’m going to make you some dinner, and then we can have a bath, and then we’ll sit at the end of the bed and I can show you just how pretty you are, is that okay?”

Dallon mentioned the end of the bed because the mirror was across from there, their reflections staring back at them as Ryan turned to face it too.

The tear-trails on his cheeks shone in the glow of the lamp next to them, disappearing when Ryan rubbed his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie and nodded to Dallon.

No longer did Dallon care about getting enough sleep for their show tomorrow. His first priority was making sure Ryan was happy and healthy, and that meant getting a meal into him for the first time in who-knows-when.

Ryan never specified if he was dieting or straight up fasting. Dallon didn’t know which one he’d prefer, but it sure as hell was neither.

That didn’t matter now. Dallon was going to make Ryan a filling dinner, watch him like a hawk until he ate all of it, and then draw him a bath and rub his skin until it was blossoming as pink as a rose. He’d hold Ryan close all night, reminding him how beautiful and how loved he was, repeating it over and over until the words finally sunk in. And when that happened, Ryan would slowly let slumber overtake his mind, and he’d fall asleep right on Dallon’s lap.

Ryan deserved nothing but the best tonight. And Dallon wasn’t going to give him anything less.

Because he loved Ryan to the ends of the earth, and he would do anything to make sure Ryan loved himself just as much.

Anything.

End. 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if there’s any mistakes, im posting this from mobile and very quickly hdhdhfhfsh


End file.
